Hey Gang! Long time no chat! I’ve missed you all terribly and my absence is definitely not something I wanted. If you get to the end of this rambling post then I promise kitty photos!I guess to put it all out there, the past few months have been pretty rough for me. It’s been really hard to admit to myself that I haven’t been alright, but it is something that I have had to do.
To just chuck it out there, I’ve been really sad. Just with everything. I love my job, I love my friends, I love everything but despite that I’ve been really really sad. Crying just became a daily thing for me, and if it didn’t happen one day then that must have been an incredible day. I’ve been riddled with anxiety, stress, never ending tiredness and a million other things. I know a lot of people struggle with this every day, but it really scared me as this is the first time its ever hit me this bad.
I don’t think there was ever a particular trigger for it. Long held family issues came up, along with juggling two jobs, hating studying as well as somehow trying to fit in time to see my friends. I guess it all came together in some weird compilation and ripped me in to two. I’ve put on a lot of weight, hated myself more than I ever thought I could and somehow had to pretend to be happy constantly.
Despite having a blog which resides on me wanting to spread my opinion, I’m not someone who wants to talk about myself or have people talk about me. The sense that people are talking about me without my knowledge gives me such crippling anxiety that it scares me. It’s one of my biggest fears, and while friends have linked that to my need of being liked, it’s something that I need to tackle and try to deal with. I don’t like talking about myself in any sense of the word, not about serious things anyway. So not only has it been incredibly difficult to open up to people, but I found that some people that I tried to open up to didn’t want to listen to me. I’ll be honest, it hurt. Mainly because those people are people that I always listened to when they were struggling. It was hard not to return back to my shell and not try to talk to people again, but I have beautiful friends who knew how I felt, offered advice, but most importantly just listened to me. They didn’t try to fix me or my problems but just listened to me tell them how I felt. It was hard to talk about myself, but it helped a lot for people to at least know how I felt. To those people, you know who you are and I will never be able to thank you enough.
A few weeks ago it was “RUOK Day”. I woke up, checked Facebook and saw it was that day. It was then that I had to admit that I was not okay. I rolled over to my boyfriend to tell him so, and I couldn’t say the words. It was really hard, and I cried while saying it, but I think it was something I’d been saying in my head for a very long time that needed to be said out loud.
So despite this, I’m trying. I’m trying to knock things over that are making me nervous and anxious. I’m trying to just….just be happy I guess. I’m not crying as much, which I’m seeing as a huge step, and I’m feeling a little bit more normal. But I still don’t feel like me, and as someone who has always had a strong sense of self, this really worries me.
So if you got through this, thank you for listening to me. You’ve now become one of these people that I can thank eternally. If you didn’t then that is totally fine to. I don’t want to burden anyone with my shit.
I don’t really have a way to finish this. Just thanks for reading, and being babes. And now for what you’ve all been waiting for. The kitty photos.